and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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