I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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