Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
