It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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