I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
