My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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