ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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