Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
