Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize