Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
