Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Green mimosas i think yes
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
