Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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