I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
