I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm just crazy horny about you
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
