It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
