she was so not down for the gang bang
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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