You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Be still, my beating vagina.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
