i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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