Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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