She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
