roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize