Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
