the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
