O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I met the friendliest cop last night
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
