he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
