Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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