I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
