I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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