a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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