my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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