Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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