my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i dont even know how to be here
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
