went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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