zippers are such a cool invention
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
