So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
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She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
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This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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