This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
