It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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