Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
