Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
