I can't breathe out the right side of my face
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
