Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
