he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
where are my eyebrows?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
