Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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