hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The beer is more important than you right now.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Sext me about skeletons
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
