You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
