Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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