I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
