Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
