How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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