I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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