If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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