Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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