my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
