We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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