I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
